Love Languages

Marriage is difficult. It is rewarding. It is unpredictable. At times it seems like an uphill battle and at other times, it the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I know that it is constantly refining me, teaching me, and making me a better person through the tears of joy and pain, and I am honored to experience this earthly representation of Christ’s love for his church.

A couple books by Gary Chapman that have helped our marriage and that I always recommend to my clients are The 5 Love Languages and The 5 Languages of Apology. If you and your spouse are not speaking each other’s language, you will not feel loved and appreciated. We typically speak in the language that we like to hear, but most likely, you and your spouse don’t speak the same language (metaphorically that is!)

The 5 languages of love are listed below. You can go online to take a quiz that will help you figure out your language if you are unsure. Sometimes you might feel that you speak two languages equally—that’s okay! In fact, it just allows your spouse to have more options.

Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation

We all need encouragement, but if this is your love language, you need it in order to feel loved by your spouse. For some, affirmation comes easily. For others, it’s a real struggle. If this is your spouse’ language, here are some examples to help get you started:

• Write little notes of encouragement at night on the bathroom mirror for your spouse to see when they get ready in the morning.
• Make it a habit to tell your spouse one thing you admire about them daily—maybe over dinner each night or right before bed.
• When you pray together at night, thank God for all the characteristics that you love about your spouse.

Love Language #2: Quality Time

It’s the quality of the time together, not the quantity. If this is your love language, you want your spouse to spend meaningful time with you. Your time together means the world to you. Sitting in bed every night watching your favorite shows together probably isn’t going to cut it. Here are some more purposeful options:

• “Couch time” Many couples have couch time together each day. It’s the first 10-15 minutes after the last spouse gets home from work. Even if you have kids, it’s “mommy and daddy time.” You are setting an example for them that your spouse is the most important person in your life. During this time, you discuss anything from how your days were to concerns you have that might need further discussion that night.
• “Date night” This might seem like a no brainer, but many couples forget to continue dating once married. My parents always went out on Friday nights. They made sure they did this for their marriage. They had a babysitter reserved and saved the cash to pay her. By the way, my babysitter became like an older sister to me and I adored her and my time with her! Your kids might need a break from you as much as you do from them!
• “Be intentional” It’s easy to say that you hang out with your spouse all the time because you are in the same vicinity. That’s not going to cut it for the spouse that needs quality time. So try to be more intentional. Make out a list of things that you can ask your spouse when you are together. This can be anything from “If we could take a trip anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?” to “If we could work more on one aspect of our marriage, what would it be and how will we do that?”

Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts

A thoughtful gift goes a long way if this is your spouse’s language. This doesn’t mean you have to go out and buy a pair of Kendra Scott earrings every week or the newest electronics. Although these things are always nice, it’s not the amount of money you spend, but the thought that counts. Here are some less expensive ideas:

• A letter or card. I keep all the letters and cards that Patrick gives me and he does the same. I love looking back and reading them to remind me of our love for each other.
• Make a CD or song list of all the songs that remind you of your spouse and your relationship. Or if you’re artsy, you could create a painting or picture collage that they could take to their office at work.
• Buy your spouse a gift card to their favorite store and go with them there to help pick out what they want. This way you are also spending quality time with them doing something they love.

Love Language #4: Acts of Service

For some, it’s words; for others, it’s actions. Doing something out of the kindness of your heart speaks volumes for those whose language is acts of service. Some examples for you to do for your spouse:

• Ask your spouse at the beginning of the week what they would like you to do around the house by the end of the week and make a list so you don’t forget.
• If your spouse has had a tough or busy day, make dinner and clean up after dinner without being asked.
• If you and your spouse have designated daily chores, do theirs for a week, in addition to your own.

Love Language #5: Physical Touch

So this one is probably the most obvious. We all need physical touch but if this is your language, it’s super important that you get it to feel loved and appreciated by your spouse. Here are some ideas:

• Hug more often. First thing you do in the morning and last thing you do at night is hug your spouse. Always start the day off and end the day by letting them know you love them and they come first in your life.
• Hold hands more often. Do it when walking down the street, driving in the car, watching a show or while praying. It something that is so simple but can make you feel closer to your spouse.
• Make time for each other. It’s so easy to say that you’re tired and had a long day. Pick a night each week that you will reserve for your spouse and put some effort into the occasion—massage, bubble bath, mood music and candles? Whatever will let your spouse know that you went the extra mile for them!

I hope you find this as helpful as I did. I definitely recommend buying the book for you and your spouse to read together. You will be amazed at how your spouse responds once you start speaking their language!

Stress Relief

Stress is something that we all encounter in our lives. Some of us are more prone to it than others depending on our personalities. I tend to stress quite a bit, so I have my favorite go-to’s for when I start to feel overwhelmed:

1. Lavender bubble bath. Hop in the tub and soak up the relaxation that a hot bath and calming lavender can offer you. Let the stress melt away!
2. I love a good Zumba class, the kind where I leave looking like I stepped out of a shower. However, sometimes my stress doesn’t coincide with my class so I’ve been known to turn up the music and break it down in my family room!
3. Hot tea. My favorite is Tazo Zen with a little honey. Although the green tea does have caffeine, something about it calms me immediately.
4. Bubble wrap. I know it sounds weird, but there is just something therapeutic about snapping those plastic bubbles. Pop it with your fingers or your toes to release the tension!
5. I like to meditate on my favorite scriptures that talk of peace and hope. Some references are: Isaiah 54:10, Matthew 11:28-30, John 16:33, Romans 15:3, and Philippians 4:6-7.
6. Calming music. There’s just something about Mazzy Star and Norah Jones that immediately calms me down. Find a song or album that soothes you, turn it on, and mellow out.
7. When you stress out, your muscles start to tighten up. It helps to lengthen them with simple stretches or yoga postures.
8. Deep breathing. This is one that we know, but we rarely engage in. If you feel the stress coming on and don’t have much time to do anything about it, take a few seconds to breathe deeply, in through the nose, out through the mouth 3 times. Make sure you’re breathing with your diaphragm and not your chest.
9. Positive self-talk. Sometimes it helps to just remind yourself that you will make it through this and you can handle it. Remind yourself of other stressful things that you have overcome. Remember, “This too shall pass.”
10. Who doesn’t love Playdough? I love playing with it when I’m stressed out. It has an immediate calming effect. It’s something I use with my clients as well. They tend to open up more when given some Playdough to work with.

These are just a few, cheap ways I conquer the stress in my life. Try a couple of them next time you feel overwhelmed and see what works well for you.

Mindfulness

How many of us actually take the time to just sit and be? To be aware of where we are right here and now, to focus on our breathing, the sounds and smells around us, to connect with our own bodies and our environment? My guess is that this doesn’t happen very often for most people. I can tell you though from experience that it’s one of the most relaxing and refreshing exercises that you can do for yourself. Sure, it’ll feel weird at first, but that’s because you’re so used to running around like crazy every day! Mindfulness allows you to feel peace, relaxation and gratitude.

So what really is mindfulness?

Mindfulness involves learning how to control one’s own mind instead of one’s mind controlling them. It directs your attention on the here and now—the moment you are experiencing right at this second. You are being mindful when you recognize the moment, what it looks like, feels like, sounds like, tastes like (Behavioral Tech, LLC). Mindfulness is a lot like meditating. You can focus on your breathing patterns or the counts of your breath in the beginning. The point is to focus on one thing and when your mind begins to wander, as it naturally will, you teach yourself to non-judgingly bring the mind back to focus.

Isn’t mindfulness a little weird?

Not at all! It’s a practice that has been around for ages, infused into many cultures and religions. Thomas Merton, a devout monk and prolific twentieth century writer, wrote the book Contemplative Prayer to help us learn how to pray using meditation strategies similar to mindfulness. Merton states, “Contemplation is the highest expression of man’s intellectual and spiritual life. It is when life itself is fully awake, fully active, fully aware that it is alive…It is gratitude for life, for awareness and for being” (The Thomas Merton Encyclopedia, 2002). Our culture is always saying things like “seize the day” and “live in the moment” but are we actually doing that?

What does mindfulness look like?

Mindfulness can look like a lot of things. I’ll give you a simple breathing exercise to get started with but mindfulness takes on a variety of forms. Sometimes, I will just meditate on a scripture or things that I am thankful for. Other times, I will focus on positive thoughts while breathing in and negative thoughts that I need to release when I breathe out. You can close your eyes to avoid distraction for certain exercises, or you can open your eyes to be mindful of your surroundings for others.

Here is a simple breathing exercise:

Close your eyes and get into a relaxed position. Try to focus on your breathing—breathe in and out. Notice your breath as it enters your nostrils, fills your lungs, expands your stomach, and escapes through your nose or mouth. Don’t worry about if your breaths are shallow, deep, slow or fast. Just notice it. As your mind begins to wander—which will most likely happen in the beginning—just recognize it and bring your thoughts back to your breath. It’s important to not worry or judge yourself for outside thoughts. As you increase the frequency of this practice, you will do this less and less. The first time I led this exercise for a group, one lady actually fell asleep! That’s totally okay too—no judgment here! In this crazy, fast-paced world, it’s amazing what 5 minutes of stillness can do for our mind and body.

Try this for 3-5 minutes at first and then increase the time as you become more comfortable. Hopefully you feel more relaxed, refreshed and alive!

If you’re interested in more mindfulness exercises, feel free to contact me.

Accept Yourself!

If there’s one thing that I say repeatedly to the teens who I see in my office, it is this: “You’ve got to be comfortable with you!” However, I know this isn’t as easy as it sounds. It involves several thoughts—being confident in who you were created to be, being content just being by yourself, and not worrying so much about what others think of you.

1. Be confident in who you were created to be.

You were created uniquely you; you are the only you that exists. Love yourself for the incredible person you are! Know yourself well enough that you recognize your strengths and weaknesses. Remember—no one is perfect. We all have flaws. When you feel insecure, focus on your positive attributes. Set goals to improve your weaknesses so you can become an overall stronger, more confident individual. You were created for a reason, so discover your purpose.

2. Be content just hanging with yourself.

Independence comes naturally for some, but for others, it’s really difficult and scary to have fun without a friend, significant other, or family member around. It’s important for you to develop your independence and not become dependent on others for your happiness. Community is wonderful, don’t get me wrong, but people will fail you at times. When that happens, you need to be comfortable being by yourself. Have a “happy place” to go where you can reflect, relax, and restore. Mine most often is a bubble bath with a nice glass of Cab or hot tea. What’s yours?

3. Be yourself and don’t worry about what other people think.

As much as we like to think we are not affected by other peoples opinions of us, we all are to some degree. We have to learn how to look past and let go of others judgments and look within ourselves for the truth. Honestly, it doesn’t matter that someone doesn’t like my outfit. They aren’t wearing it, right? So why should they care? If things about you bother other people, it’s most likely because they see something in you that they wish they had but don’t. Their confidence is typically sub par and they make up for it by putting others down. Keep that in mind before you pass judgement next time.

Get to know yourself and love that face in the mirror looking back at you. Remember, you are the only you that exists. You can choose everyday to be your own worst enemy or your greatest ally. If you choose the former, unfortunately, you have an uphill battle that you will never win. The freedom that comes from the love and acceptance of oneself is pretty incredible! Embrace it!

Boundaries

Boundaries are important in every aspect of life. I recently read the book “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Although this book was referenced all throughout my counseling courses in school, I never had taken the time to actually read the book. I’m so glad I finally did! For someone who has a hard time saying no, this book was just what I needed.

Some thoughts that I took away from the book:

1. We are in control of our own lives. If someone is stepping over our boundaries, it is our sole responsibility to take care of it and communicate our discomfort. If the boundary crosser doesn’t understand that, then we may need to communicate to them that until they can respect our boundaries, we cannot hang out with them.
2. Our emotions are our own. No one else can cause your anger, because you are the only one who can create anger in yourself. If someone is pushing your boundaries and this makes you angry or upset, you can choose how to respond. The boundary pusher does not make you angry. You chose to be angry and you can choose to not be angry anymore.
3. We are called to treat others as we would like to be treated. As far as boundaries go, this means that if you want someone to respect your own boundaries, you must respect the boundaries they have set for themselves and do not judge them lest you be judged.
4. Communication is key. If someone is not treating you how you want to be treated, go straight to them and let them know. Don’t hold it inside to where eventually you will explode and don’t go to your mutual friend or family member and complain about them causing unneeded triangulation. You can lovingly tell someone that they hurt you and together try and formulate a solution.
5. If you didn’t grow up in a home that valued boundaries you must realize that the older you get the harder it is to set and respect boundaries. This doesn’t mean that it can’t be done, but it means that others might have a hard time if you’re establishing boundaries later in life. You must be prepared to handle some negative feedback and answer questions about your new boundaries.

Check out more information on boundaries at www.cloudtownsend.com

Goal Setting

Everyone makes goals at some point whether you realize you are or not. We all say things such as, “One day, I’m going to do ______.” Yes, this is a goal. In your head, you’ve decided that you, at some point in your life, are going to be someone or do something specific. As a counselor, I’ve come to realize the importance of setting specific, attainable, and measurable goals. Without goals, what is our motivation? What are we working towards? Goals help us from becoming apathetic, lifeless robots that just go through the motions day in and day out. Goals bring life!

Here are some pointers to creating working goals:

1. Know yourself. Create goals that are realistic for you and your personality.

2. Make them distinct. Create a goal providing a specific time frame as well as the steps you will take in order to reach it. Specific steps are important so that you don’t become complacent along the way.

3. Vary your goals. Make short-term and long-term goals, social and career goals, emotional and spiritual goals.

4. Write them down! I don’t care how good you think your memory is, if you don’t write your goals down with all the specific steps, chances are, you will not reach that goal as quickly or as efficiently as if you wrote them down with checkpoints along the way.

5. Tell someone! Share your goal with a friend, coworker, or family member who will hold you accountable and ask you where you are in achieving your goal from time to time.

Goals require discipline–a word I’m not too fond of, but a subject I will nonetheless touch on in a later post. I encourage you to set a new goal today and start moving forward in this journey called life!

And always remember…