The Gift of Gratitude

Each year as the season changes and the temperatures begin to cool, we are reminded the holidays are approaching. Some individuals find joy in the leaves changing from green to red. We enjoy bringing out our heavy coats and sweaters, putting away our shorts and sandals. We see commercials of people around a table, eating together, smiling. November and December are times we are supposed to be grateful. The romanticized view of gratitude can look like laughing friends, or joyous faces of family sitting together with smiles on. It can look like homes full of warmth and food, or long lists of activities to do on a vacation.

But what if gratitude looks different for you this year? Often times it can feel like a struggle to find thankfulness when we are overwhelmed, worried, or isolated. We can feel distracted by the challenges we are navigating and the idea of “being grateful” can flood us with emotions. Gratitude is not only found in smiles on our face, but it is found in the small things we experience and practice each day. Gratitude can be present in our lives even in times of emotional darkness.

Research has found that people who tend to be more grateful have more brain activity in the medial prefrontal cortex, the area associated with learning and decision making. This brain activity persisted a month later, suggesting that gratitude has long-lasting effects.

Here are a few ways to practice gratitude in the coming months:

Start your day with setting your intentions and centering yourself.

Take a few minutes to breathe and say one thing you are grateful for. This can be something as simple as the ability to wake up today. Or the floor that you sit on to practice being mindful. Use mindfulness meditations to help you find calm and stillness. Different guided meditations, such as love and kindness, allow us to widen our perspective of life and our connection to ourselves and other beings. It promotes acceptance, detachment, forgiveness, and thus, gratitude. We can also take this moment to imagine a specific situation we are grateful for and let the feeling grow and be stronger.

Say thank you to others.

Saying thank you is an active way to practice gratitude. How many times do we say 'thank you' without taking a moment to actually feel thankful? Taking time to verbalize thankfulness to others connects you to the emotion of gratitude. This could mean adopting a more conscious non-verbal communication (like eye contact and a smile), writing a thoughtful message acknowledging others’ behavior and its positive effects on you, or saying thank you with a nice gift or service gesture (like a shoulder massage). Be creative!

Start a Gratitude Journal.

Journaling can be an excellent self-therapy technique. When you write, you use different parts of your brain and access memories and emotions from a new perspective. A gratitude journal has been proven to activate brain areas that are related to morality and positive emotions. People who could find purpose and feel grateful for the good things to come out of a challenging situation show higher resilience, forgiveness, and detachment. And reading your own words of gratefulness can help you feel better when struggling to be positive.

Kelly Feddern,

LCSW

Support in Tackling Life Transitions

Life is always changing, but sometimes a change can hit us harder than we expected. These transitions can be positive, negative, expected, surprising, and big or small. The one thing that all changes have in common is stress. Our bodies do not know that getting a new job, moving, or getting married are good things. Our bodies will still feel stress and effort to adapt to the new life. We also respond to transitions in a way that is unique to us, so just because our parent or friend or neighbor didn’t struggle with this doesn’t mean anything about how we will handle it. Life transitions can be wonderful and fulfilling, but they will not be stress free. So whether you are graduating, grieving, changing careers, welcoming a new family member, getting married, getting divorced, retiring, moving, or just trying to figure out a new stage in life, you are going to be adapting.

YOU CAN MAKE THE CHANGE PROCESS EASIER IN A NUMBER OF WAYS.

First, stop being so hard on yourself. Just because this is difficult doesn’t mean anything about your competency, worth, or ability to handle it. All it means is that life is hard right now, which is an invitation to be understanding with yourself. This is the time to drop some of the perfectionism and unrealistic expectations.

Second, do what helps. That does not mean give yourself permission to lean on harmful coping skills. It does mean reach out to a friend just chat if you feel like isolating. Doing what helps means trying to listen to what you actually need, which could be rest, connection, a bit of productivity, a workout, a piece of cake, etc. Just check in with yourself and try to take care of yourself the way you would a good friend.

Third, start building a foundation. Life transitions highlight our fear of the unknown. We tend to be uncomfortable with uncertainty. Focusing on a few small things and making them routine can help to give a sense of stability. We can know that even when everything else is changing we are still going to cook on Tuesday, read before bed, call a friend to talk about the new TV show, or whatever rituals are helpful for you.

Fourth, let your emotions come. Feelings are going to come whether we acknowledge them or not, but they don’t last as long and aren’t felt as intensely when just notice and name them. So take a couple moments, notice what you’re feeling and put a feeling word on it. It will start to fade much faster, not immediately, but faster than if we just pretend we aren’t mad or frustrated or sad.

Lastly, look for the growth. Every transition is also an opportunity to consolidate what we learned in the previous stage and take it forward in a meaningful way into the new life we are creating for ourselves.

Morton Nixon, LPC

Mindful Mantras

If you ever find yourself feeling overwhelmed and not sure how to cope, incorporating mantras or affirmations into your routine can be a helpful practice. Mantras are short phrases, words, or affirmations that someone repeats to themselves in the practice of mindfulness or meditation. Mantra meditations have been used for thousands of years, tracing back to Buddist and Hinduist traditions. While most traditional mantras may be in Sanskrit, the modern practice can be adapted to repeating a phrase, prayer, or affirmation to help with anxiety, depression, or other feelings. It’s important to choose something that fits with your own belief system, so that you can make the practice fit for you.

Mantras are short phrases, words, or affirmations that someone repeats to themselves in the practice of mindfulness or meditation.

Take for example a time when you felt anxious, overwhelmed, or angry about something and tried to tell yourself: “There’s nothing to worry about, you’re fine! Get over it, you’re going to be okay!”. However, trying to use logic to calm yourself down may actually have the opposite effect because the feeling part of our brain/body is what is feeling activated and needs help regulating, rather than the thinking brain. Rather than validating your feelings, using statements like these can be dismissive. 

Instead, it can be helpful to try using a mantra to encourage yourself, such as “It’s okay to feel worried”, “Right now I feel overwhelmed, but this won’t last forever”, or “This is temporary”. Try repeating one of these phrases to yourself while you take some slow, deep breaths. This practice can make you feel validated and grounded, rather than dismissed.

By taking the time to validate our fears and concerns rather than dismiss them, we provide comfort to our nervous system that allows us to feel grounded and begin to calm down. Connecting to the feeling can also help us feel less alone or threatened, and the repetitive process of breathing and using a mantra can calm your body and mind.

Thank you for taking the time to read this summer mindfulness tip. 

Sarah Watts, MS, LPC-Associate

Supervised by Mark E. Hundley, MEd, LPC-S

Managing Emotions During the Holidays

The holidays are here…full of fun, festivity, good food and time with loved ones. However, for those who are grieving, or those who are struggling with infertility, unwanted singleness, or estranged family relationships, this can be one of the most challenging times of the year. If you are experiencing mixed emotions at the holidays, here are some tips to keep in mind.

1.     Be gentle with yourself and how you’re feeling. During the Christmas season we can try to “jolly” ourselves into feeling happy or put on a good face to the world. It’s okay to feel lonely, or to miss what you had in years past. It’s okay to feel sad that you don’t have a child to celebrate with. When you notice an emotion arising, try to respond the way you would towards a dear friend. Don’t judge the validity of your feelings or try to stuff them down. Instead, notice and acknowledge them. Try repeating any affirmations that may resonate with you, such as “I am worthy of love,” “I am healing in my own way,” or “I am enough.”

2.     Take time to rest and re-center yourself. Lack of sleep and excessive busyness can exacerbate any distressing emotions we may be feeling. Can you find little moments to relax your body, even if that’s just 5 minutes to take a few deep breaths in between activities? Are there ways to create a bit more space in your schedule?

3.     Allow space to grieve and remember. If you’ve lost a loved one, holiday gatherings can be a painful reminder of the person who is missing. Give yourself permission to be sad, to laugh at memories, or to incorporate holiday traditions you used to share. Remember that there is no “right” way to grieve. It is not a linear step-by-step progression but instead a journey. Be kind to yourself.  

4.     Reach out to those who can support you. When we are feeling low, we tend to want to isolate ourselves, thinking “no one understands what I’m going through.” However, the isolation often makes our depression worse. Find a few trusted family members or friends you feel comfortable reaching out to. Practice expressing what you need from them; for example, saying “I really need a space to share what I’m struggling with, but I’d prefer not getting any advice at this time.”

Liz Downey

Making Decisions When You Feel Stuck

“Problem (n): a matter or situation regarded as unwelcome or harmful and needing to be dealt with and overcome”

With fall approaching, we are likely all in a season of some type of transition, whether that be back to school or to the workplace. While these transitions can be exciting, they can also present us with different and new challenges that need to be addressed. Problems will inevitably need to be solved, but before jumping into problem solving, it is important to have an understanding of what a problem is. We all have problems from our past, current problems, and potential problems we might face in the future. When considering this, we quickly realize that problems are inevitable, but they also do not last forever. By identifying past problems, we realize we have the ability to overcome problems and that problems come and go.

• What are some problems you have overcome in the past?

• What are some problems you are currently dealing with?

• What are some problems you might face in the future?

Knowing that problems are inevitable, it is important to learn the most effective approach to solving them. Let’s learn how to “FLIP” our problems into solutions:

FIGURE OUT what the problem is and what you want

Before we try to solve a problem, we need to identify what we would like the end result to be to ensure it is something we can realistically attain.

Ex: Problem-overwhelmed by work due to being behind on deadlines; Desire-get caught up on work

LIST all possible solutions

Listing out ALL possible solutions (“The good, bad, and ugly”) allows us to see and compare our options and consider potential results.

Ex: Quit, Blame team member for incomplete project, Ask for extension on deadline, Delegate appropriate tasks to team members, Break up the task into smaller parts and prioritize

IDENTIFY the best solution

Once all solutions are listed, eliminate the worst options & use what is left to create the plan in the final step.

Ex: Quit, Blame team member for incomplete project,

#1. Break up the task into smaller parts and prioritize #2. Delegate appropriate tasks to team members #3. Ask for extension on deadline

PLAN when and where to use this strategy

It is important to not only identify the who, what, when, where, & how of our solution, but also consider potential barriers & brainstorm ways to overcome them.

Ex: If I am unable to make sufficient progress from M-W of this week on my own, I will ask Joey and Miranda for assistance on Thursday. If we are unable to complete the task by Friday, I will ask my boss for an extra week to complete

Take a Deep Breath

How often do you think to yourself, “It would be so nice to take a moment for myself right now—to breathe or meditate, but I definitely don’t have time for that today”? My guess is that it may have happened a time to two. We have 101 things to do and mindfully breathing just isn’t one of them. I get it. I’ve been there many times and still find myself there on occasion. However, learning why it’s important to breathe and how to realistically make it a part of the day is key to integrating it regularly and experiencing the abundant benefits that it provides.

Most of us are not in tune to how we breathe. We typically take shallow breaths, which limit the diaphragm’s range of motion and leave us feeling short of breath or anxious. Let’s take a moment to check in. Place one hand on your chest and one hand on your stomach. Now, take what you would consider to be a deep breath. Which hand moved more—the hand on your stomach or the hand on your chest? Oftentimes, it’s the hand on the chest that is moving up and down more than the hand on the stomach moving in and out. A deep, abdominal breath facilitates the beneficial trade of oxygen for carbon dioxide, which can slow the heartbeat and lower blood pressure. Deep breathing increases the activity of the vagus nerve, a part of the parasympathetic nervous system, which controls our rest state.  It deactivates the sympathetic nervous system, which regulates our fight-or-flight response resulting in a more calm state.

In order to encourage deep breathing throughout the day I recommend a few things:

• Practice deep, slow breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth each night before you fall asleep. You can place your hands on your stomach and on your chest for a while as you start to get the hang of it.

• Set an alarm on your phone to go off each hour for a couple of weeks or as long as it takes to become more aware of your breath and make it a habit. Take time to do this now.

• If you’re a parent, one of the most important tools we can teach our children to regulate their nervous systems and emotions is deep breathing. Many of us find it hard to do something for ourselves so let it be known that this is a skill that your child will benefit from immensely along with you! A two for one! Don’t we all love that in our busy lives?! No matter the age of your child, when your alarm goes off, when you feel rising tension or anxiety in your body, or when your child starts to get upset, engage him or her in deep breathing. For me, I simply say, “Let’s take a deep breath” to my 3-year-old. We take a deep breath together and repeat it a few times. He will even tell me now to take a breath if he sees I’m upset by something! I do the same with my 10-month-old as well. He clearly doesn’t do the deep breath with us yet but those mirror neurons are working, and one day soon enough, he will breathe deeply with the rest of us.

Deep breathing is an efficient and effective form of self-care for everyone. It doesn’t take up too much time and successfully helps regulate the autonomic nervous system allowing us to be more present and calm for our families and ourselves. So, take one more slow, deep breath in through the nose and out through the mouth before you deal with your fussy toddler or tackle a big work project!

Annie Tam

Getting Attached

Have you ever gotten into an argument with your partner and had an emotional reaction that felt out of proportion to the situation? While we may attribute those feelings to our partner’s words or actions that triggered us, many of those big emotions we feel are actually an unconscious response shaped by our childhood attachments.

So what is attachment? Research done by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, and expanded upon by modern researchers, has shown that children develop a pattern of behavior based on their caregiver’s response to the child’s needs, which can start before a child can even talk. If you did not experience an attentive, consistent parental figure in childhood, you will likely notice those early experiences negatively impacting your adult relationships. However, the great news is that we can build secure attachments at any age!

Through his research, Bowlby identified 4 different types of attachment styles. Which one resonates with you?

Secure attachment allows children to feel safe and known as the caregiver is accessible, consistent, and able to provide comfort. These children are actually more apt to leave their caregiver to explore because they feel secure their parent will be there for them when the child returns.

Anxious attachment develops when a caregiver is inconsistent with the child or not aligned with the child’s needs. Children with anxious attachment may cling to their caregiver and refuse to leave because they are worried they will not be there when they return.

Anxious-avoidant attachment may develop if a child’s parental figure is emotionally unavailable, unresponsive to the child’s need for affection, or critical of emotional expression. Children with this attachment tend to avoid seeking out close relationships because they don’t trust people to meet their needs.

Disorganized (fearful-avoidant) attachment is often due to abuse or trauma a child has received from the caregiver. The child learns to fear their parent instead of seeking comfort from them. The child does not know what to expect and so lives in a perpetual state of negative anticipation.

So what does this all mean for adult relationships? If you’re feeling some big emotions, try these steps:

1.     Take a deep breath or a time out. It sounds trite, but it’s important! When our amygdala is activated in stressful situations (such as a fight with your partner) our fight, flight, or freeze response is activated and stress hormones are released into the body, causing reactions like sweating or a racing heartbeat. The part of your brain that is responsible for rational decision-making (the prefrontal cortex) essentially leaves the building. Taking time to calm the nervous system through deep breathing or taking a walk can allow a reset for the intensity to come down. However, if one partner is anxiously attached, their partner’s leaving can trigger fears of abandonment, so decide ahead of time how long the “time out” will be. For example, if your partner leaves for 10 minutes, can you tolerate your distress for that length of time, knowing you both have agreed he or she will come back after that time?

2.     Think of your problem as the problem. Instead of viewing your spouse or partner as the issue, can you look at your conflict as part of an entrenched pattern of behavior? Sue Johnson calls this cycle within couples the “negative dance.” A counselor can work with you as a couple to identify and disrupt this “dance” through understanding the core emotional needs that are underlying each person’s actions. These are often an unmet need from childhood (Johnson, 2008).

3.     Build consistency. Securely attached individuals are able to be independent because they trust their caregiver — or in the case of adult relationships, their partner — will be there for them when needed. How can you build consistency and safety with your partner through small daily actions?

If you want to learn more about attachment, here are some recommended resources:  

• Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson

• This attachment inventory from a professor at the University of Illinois can help you see your types of attachment with various relationships in your life.

• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller

• The Attachment Project has lots of resources and blog posts regarding attachment styles.

Liz Downey is Mend’s Counseling Student Intern. She offers counseling for couples and families as well as individuals. To schedule an appointment with Liz, call 469-801-9055 or email info@mend-counseling.com.

Liz Downey

The Power of Being Your Own Friend

What does the voice inside your head sound like? For many of us, that voice can be harsh and unforgiving, also known as the inner critic. Our inner critic helps us see mistakes, and so that you can learn and grow from them, but when that voice is based on shame it can be unrelenting and keep us stuck.

Enter self-compassion. In this article, Kristin Neff defines self-compassion as treating yourself like you would a friend going through a difficult time. In other words, the ability to be your own friend when you are suffering. If you are like me, you have said things to yourself you would never say to a friend that’s hurting or needs support. So why do we say those things to ourselves when what we need is to be uplifted?

According to Neff, our inner critic activates the body’s threat-defense system and increases stress hormones. While trying to protect us, the inner critic can instead lead to chronic stress and can increase depression and anxiety. Good news, when give ourselves self-compassion we activate our mammalian care center which provides comfort like giving yourself a big hug. Self-compassion is the best antidote to shame and the inner critic. 

Here are 3 helpful self-compassion practices to help get you started: 

1. Explore the voice inside your head.

Find a way to externalize the inner critic. Write it down or even say the thoughts out loud. Look for patterns and common phrases your inner critic uses. Then offer gentle challenges to what your inner critic tells you.

2. Talk to yourself like you would a friend.

When you find yourself struggling, imagine you are talking to a friend. Use positive affirmations and supportive phrases when speaking to yourself. Some helpful phrases could be: “I’m doing my best and that’s enough,” as well as “I’m human and it’s ok to be human.”

3. Borrow affirmations from your friends/family.

If the above practices seem difficult and you are unable to come up with kind things to say to yourself, reach out to your support system. Ask your friends and/or family what they would say to you and practice saying them to yourself. 

For some, practicing self-compassion can be incredibly difficult. If you find yourself struggling with shame and your inner critic, reach out for support from helpful sources such as friends, family, or a therapist. 

Megan Gerner

From Languishing to Flourishing

Feeling kind of aimless and blah these days? You’re not alone. The New York Times recently published an article on the phenomenon of “languishing.” Though we may be feeling less anxious than when the pandemic began, that doesn’t necessarily mean we’re functioning at our best. Languishing can manifest as lack of motivation, feeling zoned out, having trouble finishing tasks, or getting too little or too much sleep.

So how do you address this feeling? Start small with these simple practices:

Be present with your feelings.

If you’re feeling burnt out or exhausted, it’s important to acknowledge and name what you’re experiencing. Instead of trying to muscle through the tiredness, try to be gentle with yourself and accept that it’s ok not to feel 100% after all the challenges of the past year. Think of how you would encourage a friend who was experiencing your same feelings - what would you tell him or her?

Ask yourself, what does real rest look like for you? Then schedule in time for it.

What are ways that you experience renewal? That could be anything from taking a nap, doing a short guided meditation, reading quietly, walking in a park, or calling a friend. It depends on what your unique body and soul needs! While it may seem counterintuitive to schedule rest, it can actually help to make sure it happens. Try scheduling a 15-minute power nap in between calls or a brief walk in the morning. Try to think of rest less as a luxury and more as a necessity to help you function your best.

Also, learn to check in with yourself on how you feel during your leisure time. Is scrolling on your phone and simultaneously watching a show restful or is it contributing to the zoned out feeling you’re experiencing?

“Try to think of rest less as a luxury and more as a necessity to help you function your best.”

Try something new

Part of our feelings of listlessness may be due to the “Groundhog Day” feeling of the past year, with every day similar to the last. Experiencing something new, even if it’s just in your same city, can activate dopamine pathways in your brain, increase the brain’s potential for learning new things, and actually help improve memory function. Try mixing things up: drive to a new part of town to walk your dog. Stop by a coffee shop you haven’t tried to work for the afternoon. Introduce yourself to someone new after religious services. These small changes can activate those novelty-seeking parts of your brain in a healthy way.

Start small

Big projects can feel overwhelming, and even more so when you’re unmotivated. If you have work or school tasks hanging over your head that you just can’t muster up the energy to complete, try starting small. Block out an hour to work without interruptions, then take a break. If you find your mind spinning with what needs to get done, try doing a brain dump and writing it all down on a piece of paper. This can help to calm the feeling of chaos and provide direction.

If you feel like you’re languishing, remember that there is hope. No feeling lasts forever, and there are resources (like a counselor, friends, and family members) you can access if you’re feeling stuck.

Liz Downey

Understanding Your Moods

Mood swings. We all have them, yet we don’t necessarily understand them. However, understanding your moods helps you manage them and feel better faster. If you are more aware of your moods, you may be able to better manage your lifestyle choices, make informed health decisions, prevent or avoid triggers of negative moods, and work towards a better quality of life.

While emotions and moods have a lot in common, they are distinctive concepts. Knowing the difference between moods and emotions can allow us to better understand and track our emotional states.

Mood can be defined as a longer-lasting emotional, internal, and subjective state.

Discussing mood on a continuum allows us to acknowledge that we are often not simply in a “good” or “bad” mood, but that our moods typically fluctuate from high to low throughout the day depending on the situation, thoughts, emotions, and behaviors we experience.

• What puts you in a good or bad mood?

• Are there times throughout the day you notice patterns in which your mood is typically higher or lower?

• Are you typically aware when your mood changes? If so, what do you notice?

• When might you check-in with yourself and your mood each day (e.g., when you wake-up, during lunch, after work, before bed)

Using the number scale from 1-10, with 1 being a bad mood, and 10 being a good mood, is one of many ways you can track your mood. Listed below are other ways to track your mood throughout the day and week:

• Mood Journal/Diary Card (e.g., time, mood, factors)

• Apps (e.g., Pacifica, Daylio, Moodpath, Moody)

• Bullet Journals (e.g., colors, emojis, line graphs, etc.)

Do you have a system already in place to track your mood? If not, which system above might work best for you to start consistently tracking your mood on a regular basis?

“There are good and bad times, but our mood changes more often than our fortune. - Thomas Carlyle”

— Thomas Carlyle

Behavioral activation teaches us that we can impact our mood by changing our behavior. It consists of identifying pleasurable activities associated with wellness and working towards implementing them into a daily routine. It is designed to increase one’s contact with positively rewarding activities, particularly when one is experiencing a low mood. Listed below are the five categories we have teens consider when identifying behavioral activation skills.

Do Something:

• Distracting & Fun

• Relaxing & Soothing

• Social

• Active

• Productive

With Spring upon us, it is a great time to schedule pleasant activities to enjoy on your own or with others. If you have not done so already, we recommend establishing a weekly schedule & routine that include these different behavioral coping strategies.

Jackie Matney