People Pleasing

I've struggled with people pleasing my entire life. It's part of my personality as an ENFP to want to say yes to everyone. I absolutely love making people happy (good thing since I'm a counselor!) but even to the point that I am hurt in the process. It hasn't been until the last ten years though that I've realized just how damaging saying yes to everyone and everything truly is. I can't possibly be and do everything that is asked of me. It's positively silly that I ever thought I could. I mean, I'm not God, right?! The fact that I think sometimes that I have to do something or else it will all fall apart is just pure vanity! A lot of that comes from my need to control things, which is a whole other post that I will leave for another day. 

Let's look at some of the many reasons why people have a hard time saying no:

1. They are afraid of what the other person will think of them.

2. They need to be in control. 

3. They will feel guilty if they don't say yes.

4. They are afraid of being called selfish.

5. They are conflict avoidant.

6. They feel responsible. 

7. They feel like it's the "Christian" thing to do.

8. They like the attention and praise.

9. They please others to feel good about themselves. 

10.They please others to feel loved. 

Have you felt any of these? I know I sure have. And I know they're not a good reason to say yes, but, what can you do about it?

Here are some steps I use for myself and my clients who struggle with people-pleasing. 

Step 1: Don't give an answer right away. Tell them that you need to think about it, pray about it or take a look at your calendar before you decide whether it's something you can or should do right now. This is one of the most effective ways to start getting your people-pleasing under control. Plus, it gives you time to actually go through the next steps and feel better about your final decision.

Step 2: Determine the motivation. What is your motivation behind wanting to say yes? Figuring this out typically helps clear up any question. Use the checklist above to help identify any negative motivation. If your heart is truly in the right place, and you have a peace about it, then generally you will feel really good about your "yes." However, if your reason comes from a place of insecurity, fear or selfish gain, it's probably not a good reason to do something.  

Step 3: Prayer. When in doubt, always pray about the situation. Ask for guidance and wisdom in what you should do. Ask the Lord for peace and confirmation. He is not a God of confusion...He wants you to have the answer and He will give it to you if you take the time to ask, read His Word and listen! 

Step 4: Seek counsel. Find a friend, mentor or family member that you trust and can go to for advice and wisdom. Ask them what they think you should do or what they would do in this situation. Many times it just takes an outsider's perspective to help clear things up for you. For bigger decisions, you might consider seeking counseling. Counselors will help you become more self aware and ask questions to help you figure out what is best for you at this time. 

Step 5: Find an accountability partner. Everyone needs an accountability partner in life! Find someone whom you can trust and confide in about your struggle with people-pleasing and check in with them on a weekly basis. They will help you stay on the right track, listen to you and pray for you. Warning: Choose an accountability partner who doesn't struggle with people-pleasing!! Otherwise, you won't be held accountable because they won't want to hurt your feelings by calling you out when you're not doing what you're supposed to do. This won't work well, so save yourself some time and trouble and find that friend who has no problem saying no! :) 

Hopefully these steps will help you become more confident about saying NO. Boundaries are important to protect ourselves, our families and those around us. They are GOOD. I repeat, "BOUNDARIES ARE GOOD." Feel free to reach out if you need some extra help in this area or have further questions. Believe me when I say, I get it. It's no piece of cake but it is possible to overcome. 

Finding Contentment

Can you think of a time in your life when you were really content? How did you feel? Where were you and what were you doing? Were you more self-confident? Did another person in your life help you feel content? Take a second to reflect on that time and be grateful for it.

Contentment is not having what you want but wanting what you have. It’s choosing to accept and be okay with your life regardless of the flaws and imperfections. Here are some steps to help you along in your journey of contentment:

Step 1: Stop comparing yourself to others.  ‘Comparison is the thief of joy and death of contentment’ they say. When you compare yourself to others, you will find things you don’t like about yourself or things you wish you had. It makes you discontent in the majority of cases. Being grateful and mindful of your strengths helps to curb the risk of comparison, which leads to the second step…

Step 2: Practice thankfulness. Gratefulness is a state of mind. When we are grateful, we cannot be envious or jealous.  Thankfulness breeds contentment and contentment, joy. We all want joy, right?! There’s a reason we see so many cute little pictures or journals in stores these days that say, “Start each day with a grateful heart!” Because when you do, your day is really so much better.

Step 3: Watch for negativity. Be aware of when your mind starts to drift and become negative. Catch yourself before you entertain those thoughts. When you start to compare yourself to others or think negatively, concentrate on what you’re grateful for or what is good in your life. Make this be your automatic reaction so that those thoughts don’t bring you down.

Step 4: Create a habit of giving. Whether it be giving money to those less fortunate or giving your time to serve others, giving helps create contentment. Although the motivation should not be selfish, giving to others makes us feel good--like we are playing a part in something bigger. It’s hard to not feel content when we see others benefitting from our generosity.

Hopefully this helps you develop a spirit of contentment in your life. Take each step and spend a week or two at a time applying it until you feel good about it and then add in the next step. It’s a journey that takes time and attention but one that is so valuable and will help you grow significantly. As always, please let me know if you have any questions! 

Detoxing

Detox seems to be a popular word these days in almost any social circle. We all need to cleanse from time to time. We need to rid ourselves of the negative junk going on in and around us and focus on what is real, authentic and good. When you Google the definition of detox, you read "to abstain from or rid the body of toxic or unhealthy substances." Anything that produces negativity or toxicity in your life needs to go, because, let's face it, "ain't nobody got time for that!" 

There are four important areas to consider detoxing: Mind, Body, People, Spirit. I'll give you some ideas about each area that you can then build on for your own detox journey.

Mind

How many negative thoughts go through your mind each day? Negative thoughts can easily take over our lives and influence our emotions if we let them. The great thing is that we can choose to let those toxic thoughts in or kick them to the curb. It's a difficult task to train the mind, but with dedication and accountability, you can take back control over your thoughts! Identify three things that you need to rid your mind of and write them down on 3 separate sticky notes. Keep one in your car, one on your bathroom mirror and one in your office. You may know three things right away, or you may need to take some time to reflect on it. It could be body shaming every time you look in the mirror, reading too many magazines that make you feel subpar, or feeling like a failure in various areas of your life because you're constantly comparing yourself to others. Make a concerted effort to cleanse yourself of these toxicities each day. One way to do this is to come up with a statement, personal mantra, scripture, or prayer that you memorize and speak routinely when you catch yourself thinking negatively. Breathe and let it go. Tell a trusted friend about what you're doing and ask him/her to keep you accountable. Accountability is key and that will be helpful in all four areas we look at.

Body

You only have one body and it's where you will live your entire life, right? I'd say that makes it pretty important, huh? Are you taking good care of it? It's not about the latest diet fad or cleanse that all the celebrities are doing, it's about treating your body well. It's about filling your body with good, nutritious food so that it can have sustained energy throughout the day. It's about waking up feeling rested and ready to take on the day. It's about feeling empowered after a good workout. It's about feeling good in your clothes and confident in your own skin. It's not about the numbers on a scale or obsessing over every little thing that you put in your mouth. Food and exercise are here to be enjoyed not exploited. Spend some time thinking about how you treat your body. Do you treat it with respect or with disdain? What steps can you take to love your body more and cleanse from unhealthy patterns? Maybe it's drinking more water each day or actually trying to eat more greens? Maybe it's taking time to enjoy your food instead of gulping it down before you rush off to the next activity? Maybe it's making a commitment to go to work out three times each week because you love the way you feel afterwards. Identify a couple things you can start doing this week to get rid of the junk that makes loving your body more difficult.

People 

You're probably thinking, "People? What on earth is she talking about?" Well, I'm talking about creating boundaries and protecting yourself from the negative people in your life--those friends that gossip, body shame or just never have anything positive to say. I'm not saying to just cut people out and never speak to them again. But take some time to think about your friendships and how they make you feel. Do they leave you feeling encouraged and happy? Do they keep you grounded and focused on what is truly important in life? Consider limiting your time with the negative people in your world or possibly even confronting them about their negativity. It's possible that they don't even realize how negative they are being, and it needs to be brought to their attention. If you need help setting boundaries, I highly recommend reading "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No" by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It really helps the Christian individual understand the importance of boundaries and how to create them in their own life. You've got to protect yourself from the Debbie Downers in your life so you don't get taken down with them!

Spirit

It's necessary to get rid of the junk in our lives that block our spiritual growth. In my opinion, this is the most important area to cleanse. When our spirit is weighed down, every other area of our life is consequently affected. We feel overall crummy, heavy and negative. When our soul is sick and filled with toxins, we have a hard time seeing good and experiencing the freedom we are supposed to be living in. Take some time to pray and ask God to reveal to you the things that nourish your soul and the things that damage it. Go to the bible or a spiritual leader for answers if you have questions concerning what is good and right. Make a list of these things or keep them in a journal and commit to doing more of the things that water your spirit and fill you with joy. Ask God to help you be more mindful of those things that hurt you spiritually and give you strength to abstain from them. Finally, I'll leave you with one of my favorite scriptures, Philippians 4:8. It's a great checklist to help in detoxing. If it doesn't fall in one of the categories below, get rid of it!

Worry

Do you ever wonder why people worry? I mean, we know worrying doesn’t solve anything and nothing good comes from it…so why do we engage in it so often? I come from a long line of worriers. It’s like a second job in my family. We believe that God is in control of everything and we trust that He is good. We know He says to not be anxious about anything (Philippians 4:6-7) that he cares for the birds so of course he cares for us (Luke 12:24-34), and that he gives us peace and rest when we bring our worries to him (Matthew 11:28-30), yet, we still find ourselves going back to that comfortable enemy in our life time and time again. We’ve made worry a habit. We have allowed our emotions to control us, and we need to take back that control.

So, how do we do that? Here are some steps I go through with my clients who have a lot of worry, anxiety or negative thought patterns.

Step 1:  Be aware. The first step is being mindful of the fact that you’re worrying. Most of us have made it such a habit that we’re 5 minutes in with half our nails chewed off before we even realize we are worrying. Pray that the lord will help you remain aware of your thoughts.

Step 2:  Take that thought captive. Once you have realized you’re worrying, tell yourself that you are not going to give power to the worry or negative thought. Come up with a short prayer (lord, take this worry from me and replace it with joy), bible verse (check out blog post on comforting scripture here) or mantra (I choose to live more and worry less) that you can say to yourself or out loud if possible.

Step 3:  Refocus. Once you are aware and have taken the thought captive, it’s time to refocus on what you were doing. Tell yourself you will revisit this during worry/prayer time (see step 4 below.) So many of us do stuff all the time but our mind isn’t present on what we are doing. We are thinking about what we need to do when we get home, what we want for dinner, or how we are going to possibly get everything done this weekend? Let’s try to practice being present.

Step 4:  Worry/prayer time.  If you can get through steps 1-3 and get your thoughts under control—YAY for you!!  That’s awesome and I’m pretty impressed. For the rest of us, we might need some actual worry time. I know you’re thinking, “Huh? I thought that not worrying was the point to all this?” Yes, one of the main goals is to decrease your worrying, but another goal is to gain back control over your thoughts. So with prayer or worry time (whichever you choose to call it) you are putting your worry time into a controlled environment. You are still in control but you’re allowing your concerns to be voiced. Here’s how it works:

1.     Choose a neutral location. This needs to be a place you don’t spend much time in. Most often my clients choose their parked car or a closet. I know that sounds silly but it helps to be in a spot where you will not be disturbed.

2.     Choose a time where you know you will typically be home and available to spend 10-15 minutes alone. Make sure you do this at least 30 minutes-1 hour before bedtime. We want to make this a routine.

3.     Grab a pen and paper as well as something to keep time. Try to avoid taking your phone but if you have to use that for a timer, commit to not answering it during worry/prayer time.

4.     Set the timer for 15 minutes to start. During this time, you can write your thoughts out or speak them aloud. See what works for you. Make them a prayer and ask the lord at the end of your time to take all these concerns and/or negative thoughts from you. Some people like to take their worries and rip them up and throw them away, some like to keep them in a journal to look back on as prayers are answered.

There are many ways to modify this exercise, so figure out what works for you! However you do it, try to commit to doing it for at least a month. This is not an easy task. It’s difficult to change habitual patterns in your life, but you will find that if you stick to it, you will start to actually take back control of your thought life, worry less, and live more abundantly!

Motivational Quotes

Everyone needs a little inspiration and motivation sometimes–a little something to lift you out of that gloomy state and make you feel good. Here’s a few quotes that I love to reflect on during those times. Take one and memorize it or make some wall art with it so you can be reminded of it!

The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential… these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence. ~Confucius

With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts. ~Eleanor Roosevelt

It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop. ~Confucius

The measure of who we are is what we do with what we have. ~Vince Lombardi

Put your heart, mind, and soul even into your smallest acts. This is the secret of success.~Swami Sivananda

Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time. ~Thomas A. Edison

Always do your best. What you plant now, you will harvest later. ~Og Mandino

Either I will find a way, or I will make one. ~Philip Sidney

Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground. ~Theodore Roosevelt

Learn from yesterday, live for today, and hope for tomorrow. ~Albert Einstein

If you can dream it, you can do it. ~Walt Disney

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. ~C. S. Lewis

Be thou the rainbow in the storms of life, the evening beam that smiles the clouds away, and tints tomorrow with a prophetic ray. ~Lord Byron

Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do. ~ Pope John XXIII

Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence. ~Vince Lombardi

Start by doing what’s necessary; then do what’s possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible. ~Francis of Assisi

Just because your world is falling apart doesn’t mean you have to fall apart. When everything seems crazy, you be calm. Don’t let the outer chaos you are facing get inside of you. ~Bryant McGill

Hope is the dream of a soul awake. ~French Proverb

Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud. ~Maya Angelou

It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light. ~Aristotle Onassis

We know what we are, but know not what we may be. ~William Shakespeare

I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.
Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself,changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something.
So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.
Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it.
Make your mistakes, next year and forever. ~Neil Gaiman

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.Psalm 27:4

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.  He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;  but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:28-31

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?Romans 8:31

Conflict Resolution

Conflicts happen to the best of us all the time and everywhere. How we respond to them is a true testament of our character. It’s easy to emotionally react, but a thoughtful and considerate response will yield much better results. Below is a list of steps to take into consideration when confronted with a conflict. Although written with a teenage audience in mind, these steps are applicable at any age.

Step 1: Face the problem
Pretending it’s not there won’t help the conflict go away. Bottling up your emotions will cause more harm than good when you eventually burst.

Step 2: Communicate directly
Don’t send another friend to do your dirty work. You need to speak face-to-face with the person you have a conflict with—no texts, and NO social media!

Step 3: See the other perspective
Before getting defensive and arguing with the other person, try to put yourself in their shoes and see how they view the conflict.

Step 4: Be respectful and listen
Allow the other person to talk and actively listen to them when they are talking instead of just thinking about how you are going to respond.

Step 5: Stop and breathe
Before reacting emotionally to the other person, take a second to take a deep breath and think about how to respond appropriately.

Step 6: Be assertive
Assertiveness involves speaking calmly and confidently. It is thoughtful. It is not passive, aggressive or passive-aggressive.

Step 7: Use “I” statements
If you start a sentence with “you” the other person will immediately feel criticized and get defensive. Starting with “I” keeps the conversation open. Ex. “I felt upset when _______.”

Step 8: Learn to negotiate
Give a little, take a little. Try to come to a resolution that you both can live with. This includes the option of “agreeing to disagree.”

Step 9: Remain in the present
Don’t drag in old issues that have already been resolved. Leave the past in the past. This will only add fuel to the fire and will not get you very far.

Step 10: Learn to say you’re sorry
Mature, well-respected people are able to apologize and admit their mistakes. We all make them but those that can own them will go much further in life.

Comforting Scripture

Here are some of my go-to Bible verses that bring me peace and comfort:

“Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
~John 14:27

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”
~John 16:33

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”
~Philippians 4:6-7

“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you.”
~Isaiah 54:10

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
~Matthew 11:28-30

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
~Romans 15:13

“LORD, you establish peace for us; all that we have accomplished you have done for us.”
~Isaiah 26:12

“The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.”
~Psalm 29:11

The Armor of God-One of the coolest things my mom did for my sister and I when we were little, was to teach us the armor of God. We put on the armor each morning in the car on the way to school or wherever we were going. We even had hand motions for it that I use and remember to this day! Putting on the armor meant preparing myself for the day and anything that would come my way. I will always remember it and plan on teaching it to my kids.

Ephesians 6:10-18
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities,against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith,with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.”

Psalm 91-This chapter always gives me peace as I know and trust that God is my protector and defender. He goes before me to defeat my enemies. Fun Fact: It also was inspiration for MEND Counseling!

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. If you make the Most High your dwelling– even the LORD, who is my refuge– then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. “Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation.”

Resources

Boundaries

“Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

“Boundaries in Marriage” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

“Boundaries with Kids” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

“Boundaries with Teens” by Dr. John Townsend

“Boundaries in Dating” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

“Boundaries for Leaders” by Dr. Henry Cloud

“Beyond Boundaries” by Dr. John Townsend

Can you tell I’m big on boundaries?? Also, all of the workbooks are excellent resources to go through to apply what you are learning from the book.

Finances

“Total Money Makeover” by Dave Ramsey

I also recommend taking the Financial Peace University class that many churches offer. It gives specific steps to establishing a family budget, getting out of debt, and saving towards your goals.

Gratefulness

“One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp

“The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin

Leadership

“Entreleadership” by Dave Ramsey

“Leadership and Self-Deception” by The Arbinger Institute

Pre-marriage

“Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts” by Les and Leslie Parrott

“Things I’d Wish I’d Known Before I got Married” by Gary Chapman

Marriage

“Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

“Love and War” by John and Stasi Eldredge

“The Meaning of Marriage” by Timothy Keller

“This Momentary Marriage” by John Piper

Self Image/Self Discovery

“Captivating” by John and Stasi Eldredge

“Cure for the Common Life” by Max Lucado

“Wanting to be Her” by Michelle Graham

“Wild at Heart” by John Eldredge

Positive Thinking

Make positivity a priority! There truly is power behind positive thinking. How many times have you caught yourself in a negative self talk cycle that leaves you feeling stressed, self conscious, and overall icky? We tend to let our thoughts take the reins and control us when, really, we can and should be in control of our thoughts.

Here are some journal activities to help bring more positivity into your life and help you regain control:

1. Cognitions journal—Keep this on your phone or in a small notebook that you can carry with you easily. The idea is that you catch yourself as soon as you start thinking negatively and you replace it with a positive truth immediately. An example would be, “I can’t believe I screwed up that presentation like that. I’m such a failure.” You could replace this with, “I know I can succeed and I have succeeded many times in previous presentations.” It is a tough practice at first, but as you continue it daily, it will become routine and you will, overall, think more positively and start to regain cognitive control, which in turn will lead to better emotional control.
2. Positivity journal—Take note of all the positive things that happen to you during the day. It can be something small such as, “I caught all green lights on my way to work “ to something large like, “My boss told me how well I’ve been performing.” It’s a time to reflect on the goodness of your day—a time to take notice and celebrate the big and small joys of your daily life.
3. Blessings journal—I started using this journal in my practice after being inspired by the book, “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp. If you haven’t read it, go to the store right now and buy it! It really changed my outlook on life. All you do is write a few things down each day that were a blessing to you and that you’re thankful for. Voskamp notices the smallest things such as the beautiful colors that the light reflecting off the bubbles makes when she is doing dishes. She is truly thankful and looking for ways to remain thankful. It’s hard to be negative and down when you’re busy being grateful. This practice will help you start to find the blessing in your ordinary activities.
4. Personal qualities journal—Remind yourself of all the positive qualities that make you the incredible person you are today. It’s just one word a day that states a positive characteristic about yourself such as strong, imaginative, empathetic or God’s beloved. Instead of recalling your weaknesses, reflect on your strengths.
5. Triumph journal—Record all the times you have succeeded in something big or small. When we come up against a hurdle, which is inevitable in life, it’s nice to have personal encouragement from a previous obstacle that you have overcome. When troubles come and we find ourselves in the middle of the storm, it’s easy to feel like we are drowning and we can’t get through it. But wait…you have been through many storms before and you’ve come out alive and probably stronger and better because of it. So write those times down so you can have encouragement for later. You have the evidence to support your newfound “I can do this” attitude.

Apology Languages

(This post is from a workshop that I led for married couples based on “The Five Languages of Apology” shown to the left, by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas. I highly recommend this book! A lot of the information below is from this book. “The Five Love Languages“, which I wrote about on a previous post, is another great read!)

According to the old sappy move Love Story, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” Err…What?? I don’t think so! I believe that love means saying you’re sorry over and over again. However, to be effective, we need to learn the language of apology that our spouse speaks.

To find out your Apology Language, click here to take the profile.

Language #1: Expressing Regret “I’m truly sorry”

• Most people want a sincere apology—what does sincere look like to you?
• Expressing regret is the emotional aspect of an apology—what pain did it cause you to have?
• Check on your body language
• Avoid the “but…” (When you apologize with a ‘but’ it’s not a real apology)
• Don’t apologize to manipulate
• Regret focuses on dealing with one’s own behavior and expressing empathy for the one you have hurt
• Write a letter of apology

Sample statements of regret:

• “I really feel bad that I disappointed you.   I should have been more thoughtful. I hate that I caused you so much pain.”
• “I’m sorry I violated your trust. I know I’ve put some walls up now in our relationship, but I don’t want them to be there. I know it might take you awhile to trust me again.”

 Language #2: Accepting Responsibility “I know I was wrong”

• Admitting wrongdoing is tied to self-worth
• It’s not my fault: Learn to admit your mistakes
• Agree/Disagree—“I agree that I have a right to feel hurt and angry. I don’t choose these feelings, they just happen. I disagree with the idea that because of these hurt feelings, I have the right to hurt someone else.
• “All of us make mistakes. But the only mistake that will destroy you is the one you are unwilling to admit.”

Sample statements of accepting responsibility:

• “I know what I did was wrong. I know I could make excuses, but there aren’t any. The truth is I was being selfish.”
• “I repeated a mistake that I know we have already talked about. I messed up and I know it’s my fault.”

 Language #3: Making Restitution “What can I do to make it right?”

• Paying your debt to the one you have wronged
• Many ask, “How can they love me and do that?”
• “The heart of restitution is reassuring your spouse that you genuinely love him/her. It is essential to express restitution in their love language.” What’s your language?

Five love languages (Check out my previous post on love languages here)

• Words of Affirmation
• Acts of Service
• Receiving Gifts
• Quality Time
• Physical Touch

Sample statements of making restitution:

• “Is there anything I can do to make up for what I’ve done?”
• “I know I hurt you deeply and I want to make up for it in some way. What would you like me to do?”

 Language #4: Genuinely Repenting “I’ll try not to do that again”

• Repentance—“to turn around” or “to change one’s mind”
• It begins with an expression of intent to change
• Important!! Even though the person said that they intend to change, we need to remember no one is perfect. Many times, spouses fail and it takes multiple attempts.
• The idea that change is only in order when we do something morally wrong is erroneous. A healthy marriage might need change to create harmony.
• A plan for change (be specific and share with your spouse)
• Implement the plan and put it in writing
• If you fail, acknowledge the failure before the offended spouse confronts you

Sample statements of genuine repentance:

• “How could I say that in another way that would not come across as critical?”
• “I really want to change to make us happier. I know it’s not going to be perfect, but maybe you could help me when I revert to my old ways. We could have a code word that you could say to help me.”

 Language #5: Requesting Forgiveness “Will you please forgive me?”

Why seek forgiveness?

• It indicates that you want the relationship restored
• It shows you realize you have done wrong
• It shows you are putting the future of the relationship in the others hands

Why is it so hard?

• Requesting forgiveness can be difficult—fear of losing control
• Fear of rejection
• Fear of failure

Remember forgiveness is a choice and it might take time

Why is it hard to forgive?

• It may require the forgiver to give up the quest for justice
• The forgiver may need to forgive consequences that are long-lasting
• The forgiver may have difficulty if the offense is repeated or major

Be patient—speak their love language and try to change the behavior

Sample statements of requesting forgiveness

• “I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you. It was mean and harsh and I shouldn’t have done that. Will you please forgive me?”
• “I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I obviously did. I was trying to be fun, but I know my actions were wrong. I’m going to try not to do it again. Will you please forgive me?” 

A few things to keep in mind:

• Husbands and wives usually speak different apology languages
• You can have more than one apology language
• The more languages you use in your apology, the more effective it is

Ask yourself…

• What do I expect the person to say or do?
• What hurts me most about this situation?
• What language is most important when I apologize?

Why don’t people apologize?

• It’s not worth the effort
• It was his/her fault
• Low self esteem

Verses on forgiveness:

• Ephesians 4:32
• 1 John 1:9
• Romans 3:23
• Matthew 6:14-15
• Luke 6:36-37

Believe me, apologizing is not an easy task. I constantly fight my stubborn pride when it comes to saying I’m sorry and admitting that I’m wrong, but in the end, the peace and resolution that it brings is always worth it in the end.